Sunday, February 21, 2016

Local Revision: Wordiness

Original
Cohen and Boyer’s attempt at genetic cloning began with modifying a bacterium known as E. coli. Their goal was to change the nature of this bacterium. If they manipulated its genes, (i.e. nature) they would have just proven that genetic engineering (whether it be cloning or manipulation) was possible. After the scientists found that inserting genes in to a bacterium was possible (via an enzyme), they proved the possibility of genetic cloning in 1973.
Henderick, Amaury. "Words" 05/13/2007 via flickr
Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.0 Generic
Rewritten Excerpt:         
Cohen and Boyer’s first attempt at genetic cloning was modifying E. coli. If they were able to change the nature of the bacterium through gene manipulation, they would prove that genetic engineering was possible. Cohen and Boyer saw that inserting genes into E. coli was indeed possible by use of enzymes, thereby proving the possibility of cloning in 1973.

The rewritten paragraph eliminates the extra phrases in parentheses from the original excerpt which makes the paragraph more concise. By combining some sentences, the paragraph flows better from idea to idea while still maintaining the chronology of events and giving enough detail about the events.

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